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Outside - The Reflection
:: 01-01-31 ::
Chapter 21: Epiphanies
Personal Log 17.78 AHL
The only meaningful victory is a victory of the soul.
Tasiin…so many will think of him as the one who stopped Outside forever. But, Tasiin will always be haunted by what happened out there. Yet, somehow…I think he may have been victorious after all.
Tasiin did not kill Outside, although I suspect he will always think he did.
When I was…linked to Tasiin, I…felt Outside. I saw and heard Outside as a distant, infinitely powerful, spiteful…entity…a hate-filled voice that filed… I cannot describe it, and a fitting description still eludes me. But Tasiin understood it? Sympathized with it? He somehow managed to reach out to Outside, convincing it that what it was doing was wrong. And Outside, weakened by fighting, tired of being attacked and attacking, simply could not cope and…gave up, collapsing in despair.
As did Tasiin.
He never wanted to be beyond Unbound, kill Outside, or be the salvation of the Universe. He just wanted to…even I do not know. Tasiin did not want to grow any further. So, he was surrendering to what he thought would be the end of his torment. I still am troubled by what he was doing.
I don’t want it, he repeated, sobbing, holding on to me tightly. He wanted someone to end all of his pain. The whole experience was harrowing, perhaps more than Outside itself, because Tasiin was turning on himself. Yet, I felt like he was…releasing himself from something. I…I cannot even think about it without starting to…
When we came back, I cried. For everything that happened, to both of us. I don’t know how long I was holding on to Tasiin, crying, and when my tears ran out, simply leaning on him. It seemed like hours.
Finally, groups arrived on the Beastslayer. When they found us, we were both…asleep. Or so they told me. I was not sure what was happening when they…wakened me, like I was in a dream. One of the others, a Manaan, was considerate enough to give me my book of musings, the kind all Limandatt, even Tasiin, carry around with them, always. They led me down the corridors, and although I had vague feelings of uneasiness, I truly was not out of the…sleep…I had drifted off to. I was in a daze. When I reached the sickbay, the others tried to ask questions, but I was silent, not really hearing them.
Slowly, after they had been gone, I began to recover, awakening from whatever held me. As I did, I began writing things…musings and memories which I do not really understand now or seem to have no real significance…just writing. In the past few minutes, I think I have regained myself. I am told that the events that happened Outside put much stress on me, and what I was experiencing were ways of coping, defense mechanisms in my mind, causing me to detach. If only they knew what I went through…I wonder how Tasiin is faring if this is how I am reacting.
Tasiin…I keep thinking about him. Strange, two months ago, I had all but forgotten him, thinking that we would never see each other again… Now I feel as if we always are together, as if the years of separation were simply a…brief absence, a short time to think.
But, then again, we are in love. Deeply. The precious few moments we were linked, I saw that; I saw that he still held on to me, thought of me as his friend, even through all that had happened to him and all that he had become.
The doctors say Tasiin’s condition is stable. He is still unconscious, but has recovered enough to be considered within a very deep sleep. Everyone else is waiting for him to awaken, but I know he will awaken whenever he is ready.
I pray to Sajuuk that he will find peace at last.
Datlai Limandatt
Beastslayer Crew Member
*****
Datlai Limandatt entered the Beastslayer’s war room, as she was told, and found Dolann Kaalel, Shanal Alo, Thenar Soban, and Pukna Somtaaw, each with varying degrees of injury from the battle, waiting for her. She paused for a moment.
“Please come in,” Shanal Alo said.
“Take a seat,” added Dolann Kaalel.
She hesitated, and then sat in one of the chairs across from the project leaders. Datlai did not say anything.
“You went Outside with Tasiin Limandatt’sa,” Dolann Kaalel stated.
Datlai solemnly nodded.
“We received your report on what happened. But there are a few things we would still like to ask you,” Kaalel said. “You mentioned a Dream?”
She looked at the project leaders. “…I suppose you wouldn’t understand…Were any of you a Sleeper on the Mothership?”
“I was,” Pukna Somtaaw answered.
“Did you have a Dream when you were a Sleeper?”
“Yes…It was long and vivid. I am not sure any of it made much sense, but it still was interesting.”
Datlai continued, “It is a powerful dream that will always be remembered. Those in our kiith all wrote down theirs - except for Tasiin. He did not feel enlightened or calmed or entertained or motivated by his Dream - it tormented him.”
“We had heard that Tasiin had had strange dreams, but…” Kaalel started. “That was something we wanted to clear up…we read your description of his Dream and how he reacted to it. It says also that Outside was not actually killed by Tasiin.”
“Yes,” replied Datlai. “It was like Outside…gave up. It didn’t want to fight anymore, it couldn’t hurt Tasiin, and so it could do nothing.” She did not tell the project leaders how Outside saw that all would eventually be like Tasiin, or how it had given Tasiin a tiny piece of itself.
“What, then, happened to Tasiin?”
Datlai did not answer at first. She simply looked at the four sadly, with grief. Datlai closed her eyes and bowed her head down.
“We are doing everything we can for him. But anything you can tell us may be of help. We are trying to understand what happened,” Shanal Alo reassured. “Anything.”
Datlai did not look up. “He had his Dream again, as Outside was falling. He had closed the door, but the voices were still crying out at him, like he still had not done enough. Tasiin simply wouldn’t do anymore…he simply refused to be tormented any further. He…let Outside pull most of him, the beyond Unbound parts of his mind, with it into…death. He is still not ready to return to us. When he wants to, he will.”
“Thank you.”
“We will do anything we can for Tasiin,” Dolann said. “If you have any requests for him…”
“…Where is Tasiin?”
“Still on the bridge. We did not want to move him,” Dolann replied.
“Let him stay there…and let Tasiin awaken when he is ready to. He’s been through so much. Give Tasiin a chance to rest.”
“We’ll…see to that…Thank you.”
Datlai nodded again.
“We will need to inspect the Beastslayer, simply a routine. If you wish to come with us, we welcome you. If not…we understand,” said Shanal Alo.
“I will come.”
She stood up and followed the Beastslayer project leaders. However, she only listened to them distantly, only picking up from their conversation something about the Bentusi granting the Bound races energy sources for their ships’ hyperdrives, the rest completely irrelevant to her. Her thoughts were elsewhere, Datlai still trying to grasp the situation.
Outside is gone.
She could not believe it, really. It was only was only a few weeks before that Outside had seemed unstoppable, such a distant, infinite entity. She remembered when Tasiin first felt Outside’s presence. But, Datlai had felt Outside’s fall herself.
I don’t want it.
Datlai felt tired.
“Is everything all right?” asked Dolann Kaalel. All of the project representatives were facing Datlai in the main Beastslayer hallway. He slowly approached her.
“I was…thinking about everything,” she replied. “Ever since we got back from Outside, I’ve been bothered by the whole experience.” I cannot really explain it, just a-“
“-You really miss Tasiin, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Datlai whispered. “Very much.”
Dolann rested a hand on her shoulder. She felt a small solace from the gesture. For a few moments, she simply stood in place, taking it in. Then, Datlai approached Kaalel, and held onto him. She did not let go for half a minute, warmed by the closeness of a fellow Hiigaran, if not Tasiin. When her spirits began to climb again, Datlai gradually let go, avoiding eye contact with him. She turned to move down the corridor with the project representatives. Datlai felt Pukna Somtaaw behind her, placing a hand on her back.
“…I was wondering,” Datlai finally said. “What will happen to the Beastslayer?”
“That has been a subject of debate,” replied Shanal Alo with a certain air of carefulness. “Some of the suggestions are…interesting. In fact, one of those interesting ideas seems to be the most likely to happen.”
“What is it?”
*****
Datlai stood on the bridge, looking into the formation of Bentusi Tradeships and escorts. Behind her was Tasiin, still in his deep sleep. Datlai was patient with his condition, though.
“You were the one who suggested that the ship be given to our kiith - and made sure it happened,” she finally said.
“Yes,” replied the Bentusi. “It is our gesture of appreciation to you and what you have done. You have freed us from fear of Outside.”
“Why do I get the feeling there is something more?” Datlai asked.
“Your ship is wanted by many, both Bound and Unbound. Unfortunately, in order for its full potential to be unlocked, they would need Tasiin to help. We did not want Tasiin, one who was beyond Unbound, to be bound any more to the wishes of others. By granting you the ship, we are granting him and your kiith freedom - freedom to seek out your own destinies among the stars. He will truly be Unbound.”
“Thank you,” Datlai responded, turning back to Tasiin. “What do you know of Tasiin’s condition?”
“He is…resting. We do not sense his Unbound and beyond Unbound portions anymore.”
“So he is Bound again.”
“We do not feel the situation is that simple. We feel that he may have retained some parts of his Unbound and beyond Unbound mind, while he may have lost parts of his Bound mind. Or, he may simply be able to once again become what he was, but he simply refuses to grow.”
“If he doesn’t want to do anymore, then perhaps he shouldn’t,” Datlai said.
“We agree. However we do feel traces of what he was in him. When one becomes Unbound, they always carry with them certain elements of being Unbound which nothing can erase. We sense them in Tasiin.
“Since you returned from Outside, we also sensed it in you.”
Datlai was surprised by what the Bentusi said. However, she somehow knew they were right. “I was linked with Tasiin. I could hear his thoughts. I was being pulled up by him…Outside said we all had that potential - that we would all, eventually, be like Tasiin.”
“Yes. We have seen the greatest potential in your people. We always suspected you would exceed us.”
Datlai was intrigued. “What do you mean?”
“Your ancestors were close to becoming Unbound before the Exile. It was believed among the older races that given a few centuries, they would have become fully Unbound. Then, your people would have grown even further. However, the Exile destroyed all of your progress. Yet some of that glimmer remains.”
“So, in a few millennia, we may yet become Unbound?”
“Yes. We believe that Tasiin, somehow, managed to reach a stage most of you will not reach for millions of years. However, Hiigarans will eventually become as powerful as Tasiin…if they are not stopped by something.”
“Such as?”
“The Universe is filled with many dangers. The T-Mat are not pleased with your people. The Taiidan Imperials who exiled you now wish to destroy you. Fragments of the Devourer still roam the Galaxy. Elsewhere in the Universe, Outside may have placed other pieces of itself, other Devourers, who would not be killed with Outside. Our common ancestors may still destroy galaxies to this very day. Most importantly, your society is fractured, and may turn on itself.”
“The kiith system.”
“It may very well collapse. You might yet war amongst yourselves.”
“But wouldn’t giving our kiith the ship affect the balance of the system?” asked Datlai. “I thought you did not like to interfere with our matters.”
“We have always had a certain control over your ship, except where Tasiin did not allow us to have it, which we respected. However, we…incapacitated some of your weapon systems when you returned from Outside. Trans-hyperdrive was never worked out. Your ship is not a warship. It affects balance only by giving the smaller kiithid hope - hope that they may seek their own destinies in the stars.”
“But I imagine there are conditions in being given the Beastslayer.”
“Yes. You may not engage in war unless your survival is at risk. If you develop trans-hyperdrive, you must give it to the Galactic Council. Finally, if you ever wish to leave your ship, you must give your ship to the Galactic Council. Otherwise, you may do what you wish with the ship. Some of us will always be nearby if you need assistance.”
“Thank you. Not just for the Beastslayer but for being here when we needed you most.”
“It was what we could do for those who defeated Outside. We are the ones in gratitude.”
The Bentusi ships began to turn.
“Will we ever see you again like this?” Datlai asked.
“If you ever need assistance, call for us and we will be there. We watch over you.” The Bentusi ships were now starting to move away from the Beastslayer. “All that moves in the Void is easily heard. We will listen for you. Farewell.”
“Goodbye.”
Bright yellow light appeared before the Bentusi vessels as they jumped to hyperspace. The hyperspace window slid along the Unbound ships, then closed.
When they were gone, Datlai looked at the stars on the viewscreen for minutes.
“Datlai.”
She turned around.
“Tasiin.”
Tasiin slowly opened his eyes, looking at her.
Datlai approached him cautiously, unable to believe that he was awake. “Tasiin,” she repeated, convincing herself that what she saw was true. “I am afraid that you missed the Bentusi.”
“No. I…awoke during your…conversation. I heard much of what you said and I managed to catch a glimpse of them departing,” replied Tasiin. “I still am surprised the Bentusi talk to you.”
Datlai smiled, and began to feel tears of joy come. Instead of letting them flow, she held them back.
”I was dreaming…” Tasiin told her. “About you, Outside, the Bentusi, the Naggarok launchers, Hiigara, Kharak…everything. But it wasn’t one of the Dreams, it was just…I do not know. It was still long and vivid, but it was…”
“…Like everyone else’s Dream as a Sleeper,” Datlai finished for him.
“I do not know what that would be like…but, perhaps.” Tasiin began to stand up. Datlai could tell he was in pain, his body that had not moved in many days protesting the sudden activity. Tasiin, shaking, still forced himself up. Datlai grabbed him, holding him up in her arms.
“You never had any dream like that other than the Dream?”
“A few, though not as long,” Tasiin replied. “There is one in particular that I…” He began to try to move, but his knees started to buckle. Datlai steadied him in her hands. He began to move towards the captain chair. He bent down, and with Datlai’s help, he retrieved from a compartment near the chair his book, the one Limandatt wrote their musings in.
Instead of opening it, Tasiin retrieved a paper stuck between the pages and handed it to Datlai.
“I…feel like sharing it. It was written by a one Vyyk Sjet, a former frigate captain turned writer. He called it a ‘one-minute novel.’ It…I do not know what to say. Read it and you will understand.”
Datlai read the story - a parable about a man hanging off a cliff. He was intent on saving himself, rejecting the assistance offered to him by those around him. When he finally decided to accept their help, they all had left, and he truly had to climb back up by himself. Datlai could not help but smile a little. She gave the story to Tasiin. “Interesting,” Datlai managed to say.
“The dream I had that night…I was the one hanging off the cliff and I was crying out for you. And you were sitting on the edge, crying because I had rejected your offer to help,” Tasiin explained.
Datlai hugged Tasiin, holding him Tasiin. “But you’ve changed, Tasiin. Before, you were trying to turn your back on everything, only you couldn’t. You were not like Outside, ever. Now, although you may still try to avoid the crowd, you do pay attention to those who care about you.”
Tasiin suddenly tightened up, shaking. “Why did I have to kill Outside? Why…I never intended harm it, just let it be…Why did I have to go through so much? I never wanted to make these decisions…” He started sobbing uncontrollably. “Why?”
Datlai was surprised by the sudden outburst, not understanding what had caused it at first. Then, Datlai realized simply mentioned Outside had done this to him. She looked into his eyes, at his face, seeing that Tasiin was haunted by what had happened, far more than she was. She held on to Tasiin, letting his tears flow onto her.
“I suppose you don’t understand why I am so upset about Outside’s destruction,” Tasiin said, nearly unintelligibly from the emotions.
Datlai thought about that. She had only heard Outside as a powerful, malevolent voice. But Datlai knew Tasiin somehow empathized with Outside. “No…I don’t,” she finally replied. “There are some things about you I don’t understand. Then again, I don’t think Outside understood everything about you. Somehow, I don’t think even you understand yourself. But that shouldn’t stop you from living. And for me…with love, what matters is not so much that you understand as that you want to understand…which I do.”
Tasiin looked into her eyes. “You really do love me.”
“Yes. I always did and I always will.”
“…And you’ve been through so much for me.”
“I went Outside with you.”
“…And you would follow me anywhere?” Tasiin asked.
Datlai was not quite sure what Tasiin was thinking about. She looked at him, contemplating, analyzing him. Suddenly, she understood.
“…Tasiin,” she began. “…Is this your way of asking me to…marry you?”
Tasiin seemed a bit surprised with Datlai’s question. But within his eyes, Datlai saw hope and innocence, something she did not see often. At last, he admitted, “Yes.”
“Of course I will,” Datlai replied. And with that, Datlai kissed Tasiin gently, and smiled. “When do you want to…?”
“Soon, perhaps,” Tasiin answered. “What should we do until then?”
“The Council is holding a celebration at Hiigara, in honor of the Beastslayer project.”
“I am not sure I’m in the mood for that kind of celebration. I just awoke from the death of Outside. I do not really wish to be celebrating over its grave.”
“But, it isn’t just that…I hear they will have the ships lined up to the Mothership, just like they did with the Kuun-Lan…except not just Hiigaran ships, but ships from…everyone,” Datlai pointed out. “It will take a few days to get there. There will be enough time to rest and reflect and to tell the others of our…engagement. Then, we can get the others of our kiith, and…do whatever we want among the stars.”
“I suppose I have nowhere else in mind,” Tasiin admitted.
“I know, my kiith-sa.”
“You truly find my being kiith-sa amusing.”
“Yes, kiith-sa.”
“I suppose we should set course for Hiigara, then.”
“Consider it done, my kiith-sa, Tasiin.”
Datlai smiled at Tasiin. This is what being with others mean. Not the voices, but the humor and joy and sadness and pain you feel with those close to you, she thought. How far you have come, Tasiin.
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