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Outside - The Reflection
:: 01-01-31 ::
Chapter 2: Datlai
There is something disturbing about him. He yearns to be Unbound, but also to be solitary. He does not see the paradox. Only once have we sensed such yearning but desire to be alone.
We sensed it in the Devourer.
The Bentusi paid more attention.
*****
Tasiin woke up in a cold sweat. The dream of the night before resonated in him. It was not simply a dream, but Tasiin's dream.
In the first cryogenic flight around the Kharakian system, the great Rei Magann remained in hibernation for six months. Upon returning, Magann wrote a beautiful book of poems describing an intense, wonderful dream he had. Many Limandatt saw it as inspiration, and had sought to experience a similar dream; thirty-four had made it aboard the Mothership, as well as Magann himself. Six died in the Taiidan assault on their world, but as the others awakened on Hiigara, they recalled their own Dreams. Virtually all of the Sleepers reported similar experiences, and some sought to express it. The other 27 Limandatt had followed Magann's path, even as he wrote a second book.
He dared tell no one about his Dream.
He had seen Kharak burn in his Dream. He somehow knew in his slumber about the genocide, how the missile defense, the Scaffold, the planet were all destroyed in turn. What scared him, though, was that he had not cared.
All around him, the Galaxy cried for help. Empires crumbled, people despaired, cancers grew.
He did not acknowledge it, too frustrated and too tired to think.
Yet, he held the key to something. Something powerful, but dangerous. He could save or destroy the Universe at a whim. He did not want it, though. He did not want the responsibility, the stress of a trillion lives depending on him.
"Lock the door!"
"No, we must see what is on the other side!"
"It kills us!"
"We must see..."
"It is important to..."
"I don't want it!" Tasiin exclaimed. He turned away from the unbearable argument.
"You must..."
"I don't want it," Tasiin repeated. He said it again and again, but the voices kept tormenting him. He began sobbing. "I don't want it!"
"Help..."
"I...don't...want...it!" he whispered as he collapsed.
He turned his back on the falling stars.
*****
"I wondered when we would drift into each other's currents again."
Tasiin turned around in his mess hall seat from his sketchbook filled with equations at the sound of the familiar voice.
"Datlai," he breathed. As he said the name, his voice was full of fear and a sort of grief. Yet, there was a glimmer of hope, to more his surprise than Datlai's.
After a long moment of watching his reaction, Datlai said "I imagine you have seen enough of our poor, depleted kiith since the Landfall. That would explain our not engaging in a Limandatt greeting."
Tasiin looked at her, not quite sure what to do. Datlai, sensing his inner turmoil, began the greeting first. Laying her hand over his heart and closing her eyes, she softly said an ancient verse form over a millennium before, a verse that sounded oddly musical. Tasiin slowly returned the greeting, but distantly.
Tasiin sat down, Datlai following.
"I am surprised you are here," he said.
"I have some skill in math also. However, we both know the Sjet and the I'ao can handle most of the rigorous parts of the project.
"So, I come because...fear is the greatest monster; it can not be slayed; yet the Devourer fears, for if no one listens to it, no one can fall prey to its calls."
Tasiin was familiar enough with her musing to understand what she was saying. "What is the fear that you distract from?"
"We fear most what we create. The Beastslayer, our version of the Naggarok. Everyone is afraid of what might happen if it is launched," Datlai responded.
"Except the Bentusi."
"Especially the Bentusi. The thought of being infected is infinitely feared among them."
"Then why are they helping us?"
Datlai shook her head. "They aren't here to help us. They are here to destroy the project if something goes wrong."
Tasiin wondered why the Bentusi did not interfere with their conversation, if they were listening. In the large window of the seats
hovered one of their trade ships. It showed no indication of his watching.
"I am surprised you came here alone," Datlai continued. Tasiin's mind was forced back from its drifting in the distance. He did not like the way she pulled him back into reality from solitude, however obliviously and innocently.
"Why do you say such a thing?"
"Most of us came in large groups a few months ago. You were brought here alone. I believe you must be special to be privileged to join after the project began."
Tasiin looked at Datlai. There was genuine admiration in her eyes. It made him regret, for an instant, realizing he wanted to be alone, back on Kharak, when she still a friend...
He recomposed himself.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Datlai let him drift off again, while he gazed at the Bentusi trade station, as if wanting desperately to be there.
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